When we feel triggered with a situation or a person, we often think it’s about them. We may even think the other person or situation is responsible for changing so we can feel better or happy. 

However, feeling triggered is a reflection of our own thoughts, beliefs and inner state rather than about the other person or situation. (And side note, if you really want to understand that deeply, may I refer you to Byron Katie’s book, I Need Your Love – Is it True?)

Thankfully, there is a word that can help us understand that we’re in a triggered state. The old well-used “should”.

With that in mind, during our time away whenever I noticed the word “should” pop up into my language or thoughts, I recognised it as a red flag: I was in danger of entering disconnection territory.

Let me explain.  

“Should” is a word that reflects we are stuck in our own expectations and worldview. It reflects that we are having thoughts, beliefs and opinions about how something should be or someone should be acting.

However, they are just that – thoughts, beliefs and opinions. They aren’t truth. They aren’t reality.

For example:

There was a basketball court near my husband’s family home. Loud music would play at all hours of the day and night and it got on my nerves. I noticed thoughts come up, such as: “They shouldn’t allow such loud music as it disrupts the peace and quiet of the neighbourhood.”  Being highly attuned to the should word, I could then go into inquiry mode. This means asking myself a series of questions, including: is that true?

It wasn’t true. Despite my view of the situation, it seemed the neighbourhood supported the active use of the basketball court. In fact, my mother-in-law enjoys it because she feels connected to community when she hears people using the court.

When I inquired into my trigger, it wasn’t the loud music disrupting my inner-peace, it was my thoughts and my judgements about what “should” and “shouldn’t” be allowed at the basketball court that was robbing me of peace.

After awhile, when I released my judgements, I found myself dancing and singing along to the music and enjoying the vibrancy of the community.

Another example:

We arranged to catch up with friends at a certain time. They were running late and ended up arriving almost an hour and a half after our designated meeting time. At first I was annoyed, with thoughts such as: “They should have tried harder to get here on time, our time is being wasted.”

However, when I noticed the ‘should’ in my thoughts, and looked around me, my perspective shifted. We were in another country with a different set of social norms. The ‘island time’ meant our little family had a bit of breathing space to ourselves. We were on a rooftop bar and restaurant 32 stories high, with a breathtaking view of one of the world’s mega-cities. We had access to a menu full of fresh drinks and tasty treats to enjoy while waiting, and the service was impeccable. There was no problem, all was fine. That realisation allowed me to truly enjoy being in the moment and restored a sense of peace and connection. And when our friends arrived, we could meet them from a place of joy rather than frustration.